The ER experience was surreal and scary, like something out a movie.
COVID-19: Revelations Edition
As far as I can tell, life’s challenges tend to come in two general categories. The first is “self inflicted”, which houses the vast majority of our collective struggles. We usually have at least some responsibility for the hardest things we face, especially when it comes to our health, our jobs and our relationships. Most breakups and job losses, and even diseases, can be seen from a long way off if we are honest about it, even though it feels shocking on the day it actually happens. The second category is “out of the blue”, those events that just seemingly materialize out of thin air, ones that we can honestly say we didn’t see coming and we certainly didn’t deserve. The current pandemic, SARS-CoV-2, the virus that causes the disease, COVID-19, absolutely falls into the second group, and is certainly not something that any of us deserves, even if we could see it coming. But here it is anyway. So now what? Same as always…keep moving forward, never quit, make smart choices, don’t be selfish or arrogant, be of service to others. (Side note: humans are absolutely responsible for creating many of the conditions that allow viruses to propagate, but that’s a topic for another day)
COVID-19 Comes To Visit Our House (and refuses to leave)
This story is just a simple, straight forward telling of what happened to us, my wife and I, and where things stand today. For the record, I’ve pretty much burned through my personal quota of patience with COVID-19. Back on April 6, I awoke with a terrible headache and an upset stomach. Astacianna seemed fine so I didn’t think much of it. I hadn’t heard anything about stomach problems being a symptom of the coronavirus. So surely it had nothing to do with COVID-19, especially since I had been so incredibly careful. All the way back in early March, I was the only guy I saw wearing a mask and gloves in the grocery store, disinfecting every item that came into our house, admonishing others to take this threat seriously. To be honest, I wasn’t that worried for myself. After all, I’m healthy and strong and I felt like I was (naively) very low risk. Astacianna, on the other hand, is high risk. She is the reason I was being so careful. Many of you know that Astacianna has had some serious health challenges in her life, primarily from lymphoma and several auto-immune disorders, leaving her at high risk for viruses and anything that preys upon a suppressed immune system. I was not going to let that happen to my girl. Not a chance. But then, somehow, it did happen.
I tried to downplay how badly I was feeling, but my wife knew. On April 8, she mentioned that she was also not feeling great but it didn’t seem like anything serious. It was pretty much the same symptoms I had. Together we tried to just will it away and treat it like a bad cold. Again, our first symptoms were headaches and stomach problems, which were not part of any list of COVID-19 symptoms I had seen.
For a while, our strategy to just ignore it seemed to be working. A few days passed and I started to feel better. I congratulated myself on my healthy lifestyle and I kept on running and training and living, still wearing my mask and gloves but not really worried. Astacianna also seemed to improve for a day or two. We assumed the worst was over. It was not.
Then, on April 14, I woke up early, was having my coffee, reading my digital NY Times, watching the outside world unravel. Then I picked up the sound of Astacianna coughing in the bedroom upstairs. Just by the sound of it, raspy and dry, I knew immediately that everything was about to change. While my symptoms had remained mild, hers came down like a sledgehammer. High fevers, severe exhaustion, stomach problems, tightness in the chest and trouble breathing. Astacianna has been very sick since that day.
I jumped into action, calling doctors, hospitals and hotlines, but there simply was no way to get tested for COVID-19 without going to the Emergency Room. In fact, we were told that even if we did go to the ER, we should not expect a test. It made me feel crazy. We needed to take action. But what did that mean? Admittedly, we were not anxious to go to the ER, because we felt that the dangers involved outweighed the possible benefits. We were certain that we both had COVID-19 so what would be gained by going to the hospital? And if by some chance we didn’t have COVID-19, are we putting ourselves at risk by going to the ER? Astacianna had pretty much all of the CDC listed symptoms but we remained focused on breathing, since COVID-19 is first and foremost a respiratory illness.
She seemed to be holding steady but then Astacianna’s breathing took a significant turn for the worse on Thursday April 30, so we scheduled a video call with one of her longtime doctors. We could see the look of concern on her doctor’s face and after only a few minutes, she insisted that we go straight to the ER. “Just roll over, out of bed, and GO!” So that’s what we did.
The ER experience was surreal and scary, like something out a movie. We drove up under the “Emergency” carport, where a nurse in a full armageddon suit awaited us. I got out of the car and stood about 15 feet away, answered a few questions, then obeyed the nurse’s order to get my wife out of the car. Astacianna was taken in straight away, but I was not allowed to accompany her, despite my own set of obvious symptoms. While it seemed crazy that I wouldn’t also be tested, just for data, I didn’t argue because my wife was the one in real distress. I opened her door, helped her out of the car, and we stood for a second staring at each other. There were no words for this.
She walked straight in, while I hurried to move the car out of the way. As I parked, I realized I hadn’t hugged her or reassured her or told her I loved her. I should have said something, anything. This caused my mind to race towards all kinds of terrible scenarios, ones that I had seen on tv. Namely, what if I never see her again, never held her again? These thoughts were not helpful, but the mind goes where it goes. I felt myself spinning out of control. I closed my eyes and tried to breath. Time felt suspended, paused, empty. I sat in the car, alone, not knowing what to do. So I just waited.
“They think it’s COVID. Said I’m clearly very sick. 02 saturation cycles very low . . . “
After what felt like a lifetime, I got this text…“They think it’s Covid. Said I’m clearly very sick. 02 saturation cycles very low when I talk or cough. They have me on oxygen. Took chest X-ray, took lots of blood. I’m having sweats and chills. I’m strong of spirit but sooooo weak right now. I’m shaking.”
Astacianna texted me a few more times, including the photos on this post, assuring me that she was okay. The photos did NOT reassure me! Most of the texts were just keeping me informed about the process. Examination, questions, fluids, blood, medications, steroids, oxygen. But about 45 minutes into it, she texted this:
“I didn’t want to tell you this but someone two beds away just died. I can’t see them because there is a curtain, but I heard the struggle. Then there was a “code blue”. Next I heard someone sobbing and hyperventilating. It was awful. (Don’t tell my family)”
She reminded me that she is strong.
It was this text above all others that made me realize just how powerless I was to do anything. I fell back on my years of experience in recovery, trying not to allow my mind to take this information and project the worst possible outcomes. But honestly I was in a panic. I tried to stay in the moment, prayed to my higher power, and accepted that I needed to remain positive while all I felt was negative. I was falling apart. It was my wife who brought me back by chiming in, as if she could hear the thoughts racing through my head. She reminded me that she is strong and that she has battled through so much in her life and she would get through this. It was that simple, a foregone conclusion.
So, I sat in the car texting family and friends, peeing in a bottle (where does one go to the bathroom during a pandemic?), until finally, after several hours of waiting, Astacianna was officially ruled presumptive positive for COVID-19. (this would be confirmed by test results several days later) A lively debate took place between the doctor and the nurse about whether to admit her or not. Ultimately she was discharged (the doctor prevailed), primarily based on her health history and the fact that she is high risk for other infections in the hospital. I loaded my wife back into the car, thrilled to have her back but worried it was the wrong decision. We left but were told to return immediately if her breathing got worse. I wanted someone to tell me exactly what “worse” meant. Nobody could. I hoped I would know it when I saw it.
Over the next weeks, we have stayed at home, doing the same things most people are doing. Resting, watching shows, reading books, cleaning closets, eating, overeating, regretting overeating, eating again (okay that’s just me). We are just “being”, and that’s alright with me.
Back home.
1 of 6 breathing treatments daily.
My symptoms never really got any worse but my stomach still bothers me, a continuous rumbling, roiling mess. Similar to the way I usually feel at mile 73 at Badwater! I continue running/walking gently most days, just to get outside. Astacianna sits on the deck every day, listening to migratory birds, soaking up the spring sunshine, willing her body to heal.
We both send huge thanks and virtual hugs to those of you who have sent messages of love and support. A few of you have supported us in ways that are truly making all the difference. We also thank the medical community, front line workers and delivery drivers for keeping us all going. I honestly can’t fathom what they have been going through for the past months, especially the nurses and doctors who meet the sick on the front lines every day. Thank you.
Day # 35 Postscript: I wrote most of this blog a couple of weeks ago but I just didn’t want to post it while Astacianna was still feeling so lousy. That said, things are still not great. However, I think it’s important that you all know where things stand. I have always believed that it’s best to “share the struggle”. But in this case, my wife is the primary one struggling and she is a private person. With her blessing, I post this blog and this postscript.
I have heard many people say they don’t know anyone who has been sick. Now you do. If it happened to us, it can happen to anyone. I understand that everyone is nervous about the economy. I feel that way too. But the best way through, to get back to work, is to be safe, be smart, protect yourself and others but taking all the reasonable precautions you can. We all need to work and support our families but if we are cavalier about it, we will not get past this anytime soon.
For the most part, I think I am clear of COVID-19 today, although I am told to expect lingering fatigue and stomach upset. I can live with that. Astacianna is holding steady but still not really okay. Her severe stomach cramps keep her from eating and she is pretty miserable most of the time. She gets winded very easily, feels incredibly fatigued and is plagued by headaches. The good news is that her breathing has not worsened. As always, she brings the sunshine even when she doesn’t feel like it. Keep her in your thoughts
Couch time,
COVID-style ;-)